Back to work

I headed back to work last Monday and it wasn't easy. I literally felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. It's not like I haven't been away from Bennett before because I have; but a couple of hours is much different then a whole day. I think what makes it harder is that I know that I will no longer get to witness all the things that he is doing. It amazes me how much he has changed in 12 weeks and I know that he will continue learning new things at a rapid pace.
This past week was much busier at work than I thought it would be. I thought that I would be able to ease into work but I was not so lucky. I was able to at least come home for lunch which was a great way to break up the days. It will take some time to get used to my new "schedule" of having to pump every 2-3hrs. It seems like every time I turn around it's time to pump again. Just like everything else it has been more difficult than I thought. Fortunately, I am a very efficient "pumper" : ) so it only takes me about 15 minutes and then I'm back to work.
Bennett spent the week hanging out with his Papa. Eric has been home with us for 4 weeks prior to me going back to work so Bennett is very comfortable spending time with his Papa and vice versus. It amazes me what a great Dad Eric is. I knew he would be a good father but I never imagined just how involved he would be. We are so lucky to have been in a position that would allow Eric to take the time off of work. The bonding he has done with Bennett will lay the foundation for their relationship over the years.
I've heard from a couple of working moms that "it will get easier" and I have to wonder if it really gets easier to leave your child every morning or if you just get numb to it. Maybe it's easy because it's routine but if you really took the time to "feel" it then it would not get easier just less intense.
What makes it more manageable is that I don't have to leave Bennett with a stranger all day. My brother, Tom, will be our live in Nanny. He is arriving this week to get his "training" from Eric before Eric goes back to work on the 29th. Sure, I wish it was me spending all day with Bennett but that is not our reality so this is the next best thing.

I will continue seeing Bennett during my lunch break either by coming home or by Tom bringing him to see me. I think it's important for both of us to see each other during the day. I was reading an article about working moms that breastfeed. One of the things that was mentioned is that babies not only fill up their physical "tummy tanks" when they breastfeed but also their emotional "love tanks." That really resonated with me. This weekend Bennett seemed to need to fill up his "love tank" and I was happy to oblige.

No matter what, I cherish every moment that I get to spend with my son. I hope that I am able to continue to balance working and being the kind of mother that I want to be. I don't want it to get easier because I never want to forget that every second with my son is special and I need to be present when I'm with him. It's easy to get caught up in the everyday stuff. That's true for stay at home moms and working moms. Finding the right balance is what I will strive for and I will try not to beat myself up if things don't go exactly as planned (because they never do).

10 weeks

Ahhh, how time flies! Bennett is ten weeks old as of yesterday. The last couple of weeks have been quite fun. Bennett dressed up for his first Halloween. His Nana Rhonda bought him his first costume. She found it while I was still pregnant. At the time we were calling Bennett "The Bean" because that is what he looked like on one of his first ultrasound pictures. The costume looks more like a pea pod than a bean but we don't care because to us it's a bean : ) We started the day out with a photo shoot. We had purchased some things from Michael's and created our own fall theme. First we took some pictures in his Halloween onesie (It said "Baby's 1st Boo). And then in his costume

A few days before Halloween I decided that Eric and I would dress up as farmers and Bennett would be our harvest. After a trip to Kmart and Walmart, we were ready to go. We went over to Meredith's house and visited with her and the boys for a bit and then we headed over to Grandpa and Nana's house to show off our costumes. Bennett was a good sport throughout it all. It was a very fun first Halloween.

Last week we had a couple more "firsts." Both happened on Friday. I had decided it was finally time to transition Bennett into sleeping in his crib at night. We had been laying him down in it for naps during the day and he seemed fine. I knew I had to commit to doing it otherwise he would be sleeping in our bedroom forever. So I figured we would start that day. We were cleaning up his room a bit since it had gotten a little messy from us putting stuff in there. Eric needed a screwdriver to take apart the co-sleeper so I put Bennett down on the floor to go get it. As I'm walking down the hallway Eric says, "Whoa...he rolled over." At first I thought he was joking so I walked back in the room and sure enough, there was Bennett on his back and I had left him on his belly! I couldn't believe it. I put him on his tummy again to see if he would do it again and sure enough he did!

It was so great to be able to witness this milestone with Eric!

After all that excitement, Bennett slept in his crib for the first time. It was hard for me not to have him right next to me while I slept but he didn't seem to notice much difference. We are still working on getting him to consistently sleep a 5 hour stretch at night but we are getting there. I feel lucky that a "bad" night for us is him getting up twice during the night instead of once.

The unfortunate thing about this 10 week post is that it means I only have one week left before I have to go back to work. The last few weeks home with Eric and Bennett have been amazing (other than being in the hospital). We are so lucky that we were able to spend this time together. Eric will have two more weeks off work after I go back so he will have some alone time with Bennett as well. I wish it could last forever, the two of us at home with our son. Watching him grow and change. We are luckier than most to have had this short time to enjoy each other. I will always cherish it.

For now, we have one more week together and we are going to make the most of every minute.

2 Months!

So I'm a couple days late but Bennett is two months old! I can't believe it's already been two months. He sure has grown! He was 10 lbs 8 oz at his doctor's appointment on the 19th. He is smiling now and cooing. It is so fun to carry on a "conversation" with him. He rarely cries and if he does it usually means one thing; time for milk! He is starting to be a little more cuddly now. Up until recently, if you held him on your shoulder he would pull his head back to be able to look at the world but now he will just rest his head on your chest or shoulder and quietly take in the world. He loves doing his "exercises." When he is laying on his back, he kicks his legs and stretches out his arms. He is has started to sleep 4-5 hr stretches at night which means he only wakes up once in the middle of the night and then not again until 7am or so. What a treat for momma! I love it when he wakes up and he stretches and grunts. It might be the cutest thing in the world. He is still sleeping in the pack and play in our room but I realize that it will soon be time for him to transition to his crib. He will probably be fine with that, I will be the one that is a mess.

Eric started his leave from work on the 17th so we have been able to enjoy our little man together. (As long as I stay out of the hospital.) We are so blessed to have such an easy, good-natured baby. Bennett is definitely the one driving the train but he is gentle with us : )

He had his first long road trip last week when we traveled to Radford to visit Jakub. He did so good in the car and was very relaxed during the trip. He tolerated us running around and was ok with spending alot of time in the car seat. We couldn't have asked for a better travel companion.

Things that I have learned

Over the last 7 weeks I have learned more than I ever thought possible. Here are some things I have learned:

• No matter how much you prepare mentally for how hard things are going to be, you will be amazed at how hard being a parent is.


• Moms never feel like they do enough (I've asked other moms about this). I will always second guess myself and wonder if I'm doing enough/the right thing. The intensity of the feeling comes and goes but it is always there.


• Just when you think you have something figured out, you don't. ie. Sleeping patterns


• Everyone has their opinions of the "right" way to do things. The "right" way is your way. You can seek advice but until you are in the moment you have no idea what you will do but as long as it feels "right," it is.


• My former life is gone. I might occansionally catch a glimpse of it but for the most part it is gone. I sometimes miss it but this life is truly better.


• "This too shall pass." This one is by no means something new I have learned but it has taken on a greater meaning. Of course, I say this during the hard times but I also remind myself of this during the good times or just the "everyday" times so that I can be present in the moment. Bennett will only be this little for a very short time and I want to take in as much of this time as possible.

There are so many more but that is enough for now. Thank you, Bennett, for bringing these lessons into my life.

Bennett's First Road Trip

Yesterday, Eric, Bennett and I drove up to Richmond to meet up with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew. It was their first time meeting Bennett. Since they were in D.C. for a wedding, we couldn't pass up the opportunity to see them. We met up at Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens in Richmond. The weather was perfect (maybe a little hot).

Gabe really liked meeting Bennett. It was amazing to see how big Gabe had gotten since the last time we saw him. He was talking up a storm. So cute!

We had lunch and then walked around the park. Gabe found a sandbox to play in.

Luckily, Bennett finally like being in the Baby Bjorn. He really enjoyed taking in the scenery.
It was a great day. Bennett did great in the car and only woke up when we stopped. We can't wait to see Dave, Inga and Gabe again during Christmas.

What a difference...

A little sleep can make. Last night Bennett slept so well. He was fussy in the evening so I thought I was in for a long night. I nursed him and put him in his co-sleeper around 11:30pm and he did not wake up again until about 4:30! I couldn't believe it. He made a few fussy noises in between but quickly fell back to sleep. After is 4:30 feeding, he didn't wake again until 6:30 and then slept until 10am. I know better than to think that now I will be getting a good nights sleep every night but it was such a blessing just to have one night.

Today we were able to get out of the house after being stuck inside because of the rain since Monday. We didn't go far, just walked around the block a few times but it was great. Bennett was awake for the first part of the walk. It is so neat to watch him take in the world. He loves to look around and take in all the sights and sounds.

I can't believe how much he is changing everyday. He is started to smile more and he can focus on things. Sometimes it seems like he is studying my face. Occasionally, I get the feeling that he knows my voice when I come into the room. His personality is starting to show. He doesn't have much patience (not sure who he gets that from) but overall he is a very good baby. He is easy to please. Usually when he is upset it is because he is hungry and that is easy to fix.

I love it when he is awake and making faces.

Like sticking his tongue out:

Or is just being cute:

I can't imagine my life without him. He makes everyday a blessing (even if some days are harder than others). I feel so lucky to be able to watch this little person grow.

3 Weeks

Today is Bennett's three week birthday! I can't believe he has been with us that long! Lately, it seems like each day flies by. It may have something to do with the fact that he eats every 2-3 hrs and usually is eating for anywhere between 20-40 minutes.

He is alert more and more each day. It is amazing to watch him as he takes in the world. He is a really good baby. He barely ever cries and if he does there is a good reason for it. We usually can figure out what it is he wants/needs pretty quickly. Most of the time it has to do with food : )

We don't have a "routine" down quite yet but I know we will get there. It still amazes me that even though I wake up to feed him every 2-3 hours at night, I am still able to function. Last night Eric said to me, "You can't possibly be able to go on like this. You are going to get burned out." To which I replied, "It won't be like this forever." I think it's cute that he is concerned a

bout me. He is so helpful around the house. Today he cleaned the whole house and I didn't have to do a thing! I did some laundry but other than that my job was to feed the baby : ) I am really a lucky girl!

Although I am looking forward to watching Bennett continue to grow and change, I am sad that time seems to be going by so quickly. I wish I could bottle up each moment to open up later and enjoy again.